As the girl who wore her Megara dress AND wig to “formal” family gatherings, I see you, I hear you, and I’ll let you borrow my dress while yours is in the wash (I can always switch to Belle).
First off, thank you for the post - found it to be fun, vulnerable, and thought-provoking.
Secondly, multiple parts resonated with me:
Desire to be a fictional character
I have to believe any kid who played baseball growing up in the 90’s (like I did) dreamed about being Benny the Jet Rodriguez, so you at least have that portion of the population nodding their heads along with you. Benny the Jet (that absolute legend) aside, I unequivocally wanted to unzip myself from my human form, dissolve into the pages, and materialize as Harry Potter. Yes, I was tossing out spells and wizard jargon like nobody’s business.
Upbringing and filling the void
My brother is 3 years older than me, which made me want to be 3 years older so I could hang with him and his friends and be “cool”. However, they rarely gave me the green light to hang, so I was relegated to older neighbors, my parents’ older friends, and presumably older people on online car forums where I could role play being the owner of a Ford GT500 (never really thought about why I did this until now). Most of this I think of as “social selection bias”, but I think the online chat rooms were a form of social surrogacy, which, in hindsight, would suggest I didn’t quite think I was checking the “I am 3 years older” box. Interesting.
Building connections and feeling seen
Couldn’t agree more with the notion that a shared childhood reference can deepen a relationship, kick a new one off with a running start, and of course, make you feel seen. If someone hits me with a well-timed Tommy Boy quote, Brand New lyrics, or refers to the hit YouTube series, “Will it blend?” - I feel like I’ve learned a pretty decent amount about them, despite how brief each may be.
One of the more rewarding experiences I’ve had over the past 5-6 weeks is bringing up wrestling (like the fake, theatrical wrestling) and finding that multiple of my friends (of 3-10 years) watched it and loved the characters as well. Not only has this made me realize that it’s not embarrassing to have liked it, but has made me feel seen on a weirdly different level. I hope there’s something else that I liked - and think it’s lame to have liked - that surfaces.
Ultimately, I think we all feel like there’s something else we should or want to be when growing up (and even now, for that matter) that creates a gap between our outer life and inner life that we want to fill. Whether that’s through social surrogacy, feeling like we have super powers, or engaging in “social selection bias”, I think it’s interesting to try to understand how we’ve all gone about it. Thank you again for the piece, Jordan, and I’m impressed by how concise you were able to make it.
One other question, have you seen Iron Claw yet? Man it's a tough watch, but so good - and gave me a new appreciation for wrestling (which admittedly, I'd also just thought was not a sport). I imagine that even though you're younger, the Von Erichs were still a massive part of growing up in Texas?
I have yet to see it, unfortunately, but know the story from my uncle, who I used to watch wrestling with. Unbelievably sad. Will have to give it a watch and follow-up! Have to believe you've already seen The Wrestler - heater of a film.
Fun fact, though: my uncle has a wrestling program that he got signed by Fritz Von Erich. Apparently asking him to sign it remains as one of the top 3 scariest experiences of my uncle's life. Thinking I might get some clarity as to why when watching Iron Claw..
"Does this suit make me look fat?" "No, your face does." I don't think I knew you loved Tommy Boy! That is my family's collective favorite movie. Ricky has never seen it - watch party asap.
But in all seriousness, thank you for such a thoughtful response! I'm so happy to hear my thoughts resonated with you and it sounds like we had a lot of similarities in how we approached culture in our adolescence. Hadn't really thought about the social selection piece of this, but your thoughts certainly resonate with me there too. Let's keep finding the "lame," makes life so much more interesting!
Absolutely classic lines and I'm immensely pleased to hear your family shares a passion for the masterpiece. Don't believe Jess has seen it either - watch party confirmed.
I love this line, Jordan: "I wanted to unzip myself from my human form, dissolve into the screen, and materialize as a Seattle Grace Intern." This speaks to the social-surrogacy hypothesis regarding whether fictional characters and stories can fill a real-world hole in relationships — and yet, it doesn't quite resonate with me, to answer your question, at least not entirely.
I was a bookish kid, too, and obsessed with music (David Bowie!) and shows like Star Trek. But I thought living in my head with those characters or characters of my own imagining was a kind of super power, one I always connected to wanting to be a writer. And I'd say my own friendships were driven by those who shared my love of reading and music, just as you say here. For me, it's sharing stories and the things that power our inner lives that really builds relationships. I don't view this as a "surrogate" for anything.
I do wish I could have had that *Pride and Prejudice* dress for Halloween, though. It's awesome, regardless of what other kids thought you were :-)
Love this, Martha - thank you for sharing your own relationship to stories. Interesting to hear how it differed for you! Your comment about sharing "the things that power our inner lives" really resonated with me in particular, as I've been thinking a lot about how important it is to affirm the value in our interior lives. Not to bring up the Barbie of it all, but I loved the Greta Gerwig speech linked below where she talks about how meaningful it was that Ryan Gosling acknowledged the importance of women's interior lives through his approach to taking on the role of Ken (wild sentence, I know).
I related to this SO MUCH! My sister's 10 years older than me so I was also the only child at home and always around adults. The maturity factor definitely lent itself to not fitting in - I had the same experience in middle school. And only in my late 20's did I stop being embarrassed about liking TV/entertainment/etc. Now I shout it from the rooftops and actually connect with people about it! This post reminded me of ALL of that and made me feel so seen. 😊
Oh, Amy - I love that! And it makes me even more excited that you've found this space to share your cultural interests, a lovely full circle moment. I look forward to reading more about what you're enjoying!
As the girl who wore her Megara dress AND wig to “formal” family gatherings, I see you, I hear you, and I’ll let you borrow my dress while yours is in the wash (I can always switch to Belle).
Now that's a real friend! 💖
First off, thank you for the post - found it to be fun, vulnerable, and thought-provoking.
Secondly, multiple parts resonated with me:
Desire to be a fictional character
I have to believe any kid who played baseball growing up in the 90’s (like I did) dreamed about being Benny the Jet Rodriguez, so you at least have that portion of the population nodding their heads along with you. Benny the Jet (that absolute legend) aside, I unequivocally wanted to unzip myself from my human form, dissolve into the pages, and materialize as Harry Potter. Yes, I was tossing out spells and wizard jargon like nobody’s business.
Upbringing and filling the void
My brother is 3 years older than me, which made me want to be 3 years older so I could hang with him and his friends and be “cool”. However, they rarely gave me the green light to hang, so I was relegated to older neighbors, my parents’ older friends, and presumably older people on online car forums where I could role play being the owner of a Ford GT500 (never really thought about why I did this until now). Most of this I think of as “social selection bias”, but I think the online chat rooms were a form of social surrogacy, which, in hindsight, would suggest I didn’t quite think I was checking the “I am 3 years older” box. Interesting.
Building connections and feeling seen
Couldn’t agree more with the notion that a shared childhood reference can deepen a relationship, kick a new one off with a running start, and of course, make you feel seen. If someone hits me with a well-timed Tommy Boy quote, Brand New lyrics, or refers to the hit YouTube series, “Will it blend?” - I feel like I’ve learned a pretty decent amount about them, despite how brief each may be.
One of the more rewarding experiences I’ve had over the past 5-6 weeks is bringing up wrestling (like the fake, theatrical wrestling) and finding that multiple of my friends (of 3-10 years) watched it and loved the characters as well. Not only has this made me realize that it’s not embarrassing to have liked it, but has made me feel seen on a weirdly different level. I hope there’s something else that I liked - and think it’s lame to have liked - that surfaces.
Ultimately, I think we all feel like there’s something else we should or want to be when growing up (and even now, for that matter) that creates a gap between our outer life and inner life that we want to fill. Whether that’s through social surrogacy, feeling like we have super powers, or engaging in “social selection bias”, I think it’s interesting to try to understand how we’ve all gone about it. Thank you again for the piece, Jordan, and I’m impressed by how concise you were able to make it.
One other question, have you seen Iron Claw yet? Man it's a tough watch, but so good - and gave me a new appreciation for wrestling (which admittedly, I'd also just thought was not a sport). I imagine that even though you're younger, the Von Erichs were still a massive part of growing up in Texas?
I have yet to see it, unfortunately, but know the story from my uncle, who I used to watch wrestling with. Unbelievably sad. Will have to give it a watch and follow-up! Have to believe you've already seen The Wrestler - heater of a film.
Fun fact, though: my uncle has a wrestling program that he got signed by Fritz Von Erich. Apparently asking him to sign it remains as one of the top 3 scariest experiences of my uncle's life. Thinking I might get some clarity as to why when watching Iron Claw..
"Does this suit make me look fat?" "No, your face does." I don't think I knew you loved Tommy Boy! That is my family's collective favorite movie. Ricky has never seen it - watch party asap.
But in all seriousness, thank you for such a thoughtful response! I'm so happy to hear my thoughts resonated with you and it sounds like we had a lot of similarities in how we approached culture in our adolescence. Hadn't really thought about the social selection piece of this, but your thoughts certainly resonate with me there too. Let's keep finding the "lame," makes life so much more interesting!
Absolutely classic lines and I'm immensely pleased to hear your family shares a passion for the masterpiece. Don't believe Jess has seen it either - watch party confirmed.
Cheers to the "lame"!
I love this line, Jordan: "I wanted to unzip myself from my human form, dissolve into the screen, and materialize as a Seattle Grace Intern." This speaks to the social-surrogacy hypothesis regarding whether fictional characters and stories can fill a real-world hole in relationships — and yet, it doesn't quite resonate with me, to answer your question, at least not entirely.
I was a bookish kid, too, and obsessed with music (David Bowie!) and shows like Star Trek. But I thought living in my head with those characters or characters of my own imagining was a kind of super power, one I always connected to wanting to be a writer. And I'd say my own friendships were driven by those who shared my love of reading and music, just as you say here. For me, it's sharing stories and the things that power our inner lives that really builds relationships. I don't view this as a "surrogate" for anything.
I do wish I could have had that *Pride and Prejudice* dress for Halloween, though. It's awesome, regardless of what other kids thought you were :-)
Love this, Martha - thank you for sharing your own relationship to stories. Interesting to hear how it differed for you! Your comment about sharing "the things that power our inner lives" really resonated with me in particular, as I've been thinking a lot about how important it is to affirm the value in our interior lives. Not to bring up the Barbie of it all, but I loved the Greta Gerwig speech linked below where she talks about how meaningful it was that Ryan Gosling acknowledged the importance of women's interior lives through his approach to taking on the role of Ken (wild sentence, I know).
I look forward to reading more of your work!
https://youtu.be/LVuNZ3luTFU?si=gEHfhKL08MA4nnLV&t=328
What a great speech from Greta G! I like the Barbie of it all - and yes to supporting the interior lives of women and girls 🙏🏽
I related to this SO MUCH! My sister's 10 years older than me so I was also the only child at home and always around adults. The maturity factor definitely lent itself to not fitting in - I had the same experience in middle school. And only in my late 20's did I stop being embarrassed about liking TV/entertainment/etc. Now I shout it from the rooftops and actually connect with people about it! This post reminded me of ALL of that and made me feel so seen. 😊
Oh, Amy - I love that! And it makes me even more excited that you've found this space to share your cultural interests, a lovely full circle moment. I look forward to reading more about what you're enjoying!